FORTY years after suffering abuse at the hands of a "violent, nasty" man, one of his victims says he still battles with the prolonged social and psychological effects.

Now that victim has described how the abuse has left him mentally and physically scarred, in an effort to encourage others to speak up and get help.

The Clackmannanshire man revealed how his life spiralled out of control as he turned to alcohol and drugs, before coming within seconds of taking his own life.

And while he has support from family and counsellors at Open Secret, the impact of his past continues to burden him.

He told the Advertiser: “It still affects me; I feel like I can’t get over it. All through my life, I’ve had these spells of depression and it can last from six months to a year.

“It’s difficult to maintain a relationship or employment; there are always these demons chasing you.

“Every relationship I have had has failed. The last two were toxic but I stayed with them because I didn’t want that abandoned feeling.

“I had been fairly successful with employment when I was younger, but that was because I was working three jobs at the time to try and keep myself busy and to forget about what had happened to me.

"But it ran me down and I went from heavy work to heavy drinking. Then I started using heroin because the alcohol wasn’t blocking out my demons.

“That was my way of coping; but there were times where you couldn’t keep things bottled up. Then I would push the self-destruction button.”
 

CONDITIONED

While spiralling deeper into substance abuse, he found himself coming into contact with the police on a regular basis.

His record will show a number of public order offences, but what he regrets most is getting into fights with officers.

He said: “I’m ashamed of myself. I do actually have a lot of respect for police and the job they do – I know I couldn’t do it.

“One of my triggers is the way people treat me and speak to me. But I realise that was really just a result of how I was treated in the past.

“So I might be in a situation where I feel someone is talking down to me and I go off on one.

“It’s probably more the case that I have misread the situation, but I can’t help it. It’s how I’ve been conditioned.

In an effort to escape a five-year “hell” of heroin addiction, the 45-year-old tried everything he could to kick the habit.

Though eventually successful, his sobriety was no freedom due to lingering depression and the effects of persistent mental disorders.

The situation then came to a head when he embarked on a suicide bid only for the new father to find strength in his young kin.

“I’ve got beautiful wee girls, and that’s what I focus on," he said. "I’m very lucky, because if I didn’t have my girl at the time, I wouldn’t be here.

“I was going to hang myself – I had the noose ready and all I had to do was kick the stool away. I only had one wee girl at the time, she was about nine months old.

“And while I was stood there, her face just came into my mind and I couldn’t do it. I just undone it all.

“I have these two kids now and I’m so grateful. They have saved me and kept me away from my own self-destruction.”


VICTIMS

His abuser William Conlan was locked up last November after being found guilty of rape, assault, and lewd, indecent and libidinous practices against young children.

The offences took place between 1970 and 1974 at an address in Tullibody; however, they only came to light in May 2012 when a third party reported the crimes to police.

Yet, almost 40 years after Conlan carried out the abuse, the effects continue to plague his now adult victims.

The victim continued: “He used to treat us like dogs and talk to us like we were nothing. That was drummed into us every day, along with the beatings.

“He used to beat us all the time just so we wouldn’t forget who was boss. He controlled us with a reign of violence.

"No doubt about it, he was a violent, nasty man.

“We know there are more victims of abuse out there; more people he has abused. I want them to know there is no time bar to justice and urge them to come forward.”


BREAKING FREE

Support can offer victims some closure and in Open Secret, they have an organisation dedicated to helping adult survivors of childhood abuse.

And for him, the counsellors proved a shining example of how to help people through that kind of "mental torture" and back to some form of reality.

He said: “I didn’t know much about depression and how my past had influenced that. Then I picked up this self-help book from Open Secret and it was overwhelming to make the link.

“After reading through the book, I thought to myself: ‘I don’t even know who I am or who I am supposed to be’.

“My character and personality is tainted by what happened to me in the past.”

He added: “Attending Open Secret was great because it was the first time I was able to speak to anyone about it all. 

"I wasn’t looking for sympathy; I just wanted someone to understand.

“The book they have was called Breaking Free and that’s really what it's all about. Breaking free from your demons and conditioning your mind to deal with what happened and move on.

“I’ll never be able to forget it and to shake it off. But I’m optimistic about light at the end of the tunnel and that I might be able to have a better quality of life.”
 

Open Secret is a community-based organisation based in the Forth Valley area that provides confidential support to individuals and families whose lives have been impacted by childhood abuse or trauma.  For more information, call 01324 630100 or email info@opensecret.org